The Big 50

Phew!  I did it! 50 lbs since starting to blog about my weight loss!  I'm starting out this post with my latest FB status, that sums up how I was feeling yesterday...then some quick thoughts on how I've made it here. I have to be quick because I'm actually up before the kids and want to squeeze in a workout! LOL

It is REALLY hard for me to share this because, honestly, I don't like a lot of attention. But my fear of looking arrogant is overcome by my love to prove the media wrong, encourage others and hopefully help at least one person stick with their goals! I've lost another 10 lbs by sticking to MY daily goal of eating more fruits and vegetables. Do I stray from that? Totally. smile emoticon Do I get back on track though? Yes. It's hard to make that positive statement about myself, but I should! Also, I try to do some kind of exercise 6 days a week, even if it's just going for a walk with my kids, or jumping on the trampoline with them- yes, I can comfortably do that now! smile emoticon 50 lbs later (and 65 lbs less after i left the hospital with our 3rd baby) I can honestly say this change in my life has been more than worth it, even though there have been a LOT of ups and downs over the years. Don't give up on yourself and your health! You are too valuable to this world! There are things you are meant to do! You don't have to go to extremes to make this happen. The time, the months and years, will pass either way. It's up to you if you want to see personal progress during that progression of time. If you really do and are willing to make some changes, I know you can do it too!! heart emoticon

OK, so how did this kind of weight loss happen without fad diets, special diet foods or a gym membership?  I've been thinking about it and I've noticed 4 changes I made over time that seemed to make a big difference.  Even though I've been blogging on and off during my journey, I don't think I ever spelled out these steps.  I hope you find them helpful in your efforts!

1) EAT EVERY 3 HOURS- I know what you're thinking.  "But I'm hungry before then." "But I'm not hungry by then." Whatever!  Your body needs fuel, but sometimes not as soon as it thinks it does.  I find that waiting until 9 to have breakfast is a good time for me, and then eat about every 3 hours after that for 4-5 eating times.  Just think, the fewer times and properly spaced out times you have to eat, the less likely you are to over do it.  When I started doing this my portion sizes were still much too large, so doing this eliminated having as many opportunities for over-indulging.  I generally get "hungry" again an hour and a half after eating.  Yup.  So for that next hour or so it's my Water Time- and that's super important!  I try to make sure I get enough of that necessary fluid and if I just ate when I was hungry then that wouldn't happen.  On days when I didn't think I could do it, I reminded myself I had done it before, so I could do it again. ;)

Eating at similar times every day also put my body on a much needed schedule.  Our bodies are machines, and they will adapt.  They like structure.  Now that I eat at more regular times it's like my body knows not be hungry yet, or when to get ready to digest.  It also makes it a lot easier to get a workout in the morning before eating because I'm not hungry so early in the morning.  When I ate an early breakfast I felt like I had to wait before exercising and then by the time I was ready other life's responsibilities were up and out of bed (i.e. kids) and the work out wouldn't even happen.  This eating schedule helps me not get too hungry between meals, drink enough water and make the most of my day!

2) NUTRITIOUS SNACKS (ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT)- If by after 2 and a half hours of having a meal I'm REALLY hungry, then I have a piece of fruit or some cut up veggies.  BE SURE YOU HAVE THESE ON HAND!  I guess I should make healthy shopping a step too.  LOL Same thing goes for eating after dinner or dessert.  Is that always what I'm in the mood for eating when I'm about to watch a late night movie?No.  But I try to stick to it and tell myself what I tell my kids when they don't feel like eating their veggies: "If you're really hungry, you'll want it." And want to know what the truth is anyway?  Your pallet changes.  The more you have the good stuff, the more you start to crave it.  Soon your body is trained and can't even handle the greasy stuff, or as much of it.  Trust me.  Good choices lead to more good choice, especially when you start seeing the numbers on the scale go down!

For me, bad choices also lead to more bad choices.  I have to be very careful if I want a little junk food, and there are some I know I just can't even have one bite of- stay away Cheetos!  Even though I don't even like how it tastes that much, once I have some I just want more and more.  I know it's a chemical reaction and I try to just not even go there or have it around.  "Will power is overrated." -Jillian Michaels

3) SMALLER PORTION SIZES-  AFTER I had steps 1 and 2 down I worked on shrinking my portion sizes.  This was hard for me.  I think my binge eating came from my college dorm days, when I knew the cafeteria would close and the free food would be gone.  I was on a tight budget and it made me nervous.  I had trained myself to eat as much as I could to get me to the next meal comfortably.  So this step was more mental for me.  I would try to slow down and listen to my body.  I would try to use things I learned from reading "Intuitive Eating" and stop when I felt comfortable and not stuffed.  I had to trust that in 15 minutes my stomach would catch up with my mind and feel full.  If I wasn't sure, again I would focus on having seconds on the veggies.  Veggies NOT covered with butter either ;) If I started worrying I would get hungry between meals I would tell myself to calm down, that I wasn't going to starve to death and I had done this all yesterday so I could do again.  Little by little I came to trust the recommended portion sizes of meat and carbs, and be OK and HAPPIER when I stuck to it.

4)REPLACING YOUR DIET WITH PLANT BASED FOODS!!!
THIS IS THE BEST STEP!!! :) Seriously.  It makes me want to draw happy faces all over the place!  Let me tell you why it's so great before I explain how I implemented it.  First, it keeps things flowing.  I thought I had blogged about this before, but after looking through some older posts I couldn't find anything about it so I will say it here.  Staying regular is SO IMPORTANT.  It keeps you feeling light and ready to move, and more motivated to exercise than when you are bloated!  It prevents toxins from being released into your system, which (for me) cause major depression and irritability.  Meat and dairy have NO fiber, and just clog you up.  Changing to a more plant based diet led to great improvements in my digestive and emotional health.  SO worth it just for that.  Now when people ask me how I've battled my previously sever depression this is the first step I mention.  Changing your thoughts isn't very effective if you aren't getting to the root of the problem, and seriously, physically, constipation plays a big part in that.

Second, you are getting SO MANY NUTRIENTS in real, plant based food.  There's a reason the Garden of Eden was a Garden of Eden...good, God-given food!  Enough said.

Third, your body was MADE to digest this type of food.  It recognizes it.  It's from the earth.  Processed foods, no matter how low-calorie they promised to be, just left my stomach feeling empty and my pipes clogged up.  There weren't enough real foods to keep my body satisfied or give it enough nutrients.  Once I made the change my body knew it and welcomed the "real" foods, as opposed to fake, factory made substitutes.

But HOW do you do it?  I'm still working on maximizing my efforts in this area, but this is what has helped me so far...

Take things one meal at a time.  I started with breakfast and still find this the easiest meal to be successful as far as plant based meals go.  I started with actual fruit- an orange, apple and banana.  But now I love a smoothie!  It took time to get used to this because before I always wanted toast.  But I told myself if I could focus on fruits and veggies before 12 o'clock, that would be so great for my body (and Christie Brinkley recommends it too so it can't be a bad idea- right?)  I didn't do a lot of green smoothies at first but now I love knowing I'm getting some spinach and flax seed for protein in my breakfasts.  There are tons of recipes online, but I will be posting some of my own favorites soon.

After mastering a plant based breakfast, I went on to lunch.  I try to have a variety of go-to options.  Some days it's a loaded salad, lots of beans and whatever dressing I want to treat myself with.  Some days it's a veggie wrap or sandwich on whole grain bread.  Sometimes I grill the veggies on the George Foreman grill and other days it's raw.  I experiment with spices and condiments, but have a few favorites so I don't have to reinvent the wheel every day.  I love chili!  I even enjoy a veggie omelet with egg whites sometimes.  There are so many options if you are willing to try something new and go out of the box.

The same thing goes for dinner, as little by little I sneak more veggies into dinner.  When we have Taco Tuesday, I try to skip the ground beef all together and just deliciously season the beans and tomatoes.  I did veggie enchiladas for the family for the first time this week.  There are so many ways to be sneaky and fill up on good stuff- you just gotta do it!  More of my own easy tried and true recipes coming... ;)

To be completely honest, there is one other step I've neglected to list.  NEVER GIVE UP.  Even if you gain back weight (I did) NEVER GIVE UP.  Even if your "cheat" meal turns into a "cheat" day, NEVER GIVE UP.  Even if you miss 2 weeks of working out, NEVER GIVE UP.  I didn't even list exercising tips yet because those were less important to me than getting my eating habits under control.  For me, this is about health.  It's about giving my children a framework that will set them up for success.  Even though at the beginning it seemed like it was going to take FOREVER, I didn't give up.

I don't think believing in yourself ever gets too much easier.  I look back on previous weigh-ins and see numbers 40 lbs bigger than I am now and still can't believe I've dropped that much.  But I have.  And really, the hardest part was just NEVER GIVING UP on myself.  That was harder than any work out or change in diet.  And the funny thing is, that is also what is most rewarding and what I take with me into other goals I am working on now. Anyone who has this much weight to lose knows it's not really about losing the weight.  That's a bonus.  It's about learning to believe in yourself.

Love,
Eva





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3 Happy, 1 Crappy ;)

So, many years ago I had a counselor that was really helpful.  I asked my husband to come along because, frankly, at that point I wasn't doing a whole lot of talking.  I was just too depressed.  I didn't feel like saying a whole lot or processing very much.  Doesn't sound a lot like me, does it? LOL

My counselor suggested we, my husband and I, make sure we talk more and notice some good things and harder moments of each day.  He suggested 3 of each.  Well, my husband doesn't talk a whole lot usually and I wasn't talking a lot but we decided to try it out.  I quickly learned I didn't like pointing out 3 things that went wrong that day.  But I did like recognizing the 3 good things, as well as ONE thing that went wrong.  That was partly because seeing the good makes you feel good, and who doesn't like that?  And the challenging part of the day often wasn't so bad in hind sight or was something my husband could comment on and help me see in a different light.

Best of all, it got us talking and finding common ground we both shared.  He would tell me about a good moment he had with the kids and I could think, "Yeah, I liked that moment too."  Then I added it to my mental list of good parts of the day.  When something was hard I could think "Yeah, that's hard for me too" or "That's not so bad to me.  I guess that's one of my strengths."  It was like a team brainstorm of the good stuff that had happened and trouble spots we were both getting through together!

I thought I would apply this to my nutrition and exercise choices this past year, and invite anyone who wants to to add their reflections.  My counselor called it 3 Good Things, 3 Bad Things, but since I like the 3 to 1 ratio more and wanted something that rhymed, I'm calling it 3 Happy, 1 Crappy. :)

So here are mine from 2014...

1- I liked that I stopped inhaling all the kids' left overs.  I didn't want to waste food and it wasn't usually much.  But if I already ate till I was past full, then stuffing more in me wasn't too smart.  I am more important than that.  I deserve to reach my goals and feel healthy.  Now I make the kids deal with their leftovers.  They wrap them up and put them in the fridge.  If I do nibble on some leftovers at the end it's OCCASIONAL and after a veggie-full meal and just the little bit Sammy didn't touch.  MUCH better than all 3 kids' plates AND the serving dish.  Seriously...and I wondered why I wasn't losing weight! ;)
2- I am happy that I eat so many more veggies and fruits and nuts and grains.  It's really fun to have more variety in my diet and feel in control of it.  I like being a good example to my kids.  I love how I feel.  I know I'm going to have a higher quality of life and probably live longer too.  How can that not be HAPPY?!
3- I liked that I made daily exercise do-able!  Working out used to feel like this big, long ordeal.  Now I know that I can get my heart beat up doing a fast walk while I watch a favorite show.  I can do my favorite Pilates and Yoga exercises in 30 mins too.  If I don't have time for an intense session, I just do what I can and feel proud of myself for doing something and keeping the habit.  I am really proud of that.

My "crappy" memory of last year is that I think LOTS of times I thought I was on track as far as diet or exercising and then I would realize I was WAY off!  I would look at the calender and realize "It's been 3 weeks since I've done any sort of exercising."  I would think back and realize that through out the weekend I ate the whole box of doughnut holes.  Whoops!

So, instead of having the same not-so-good memory for this year...I'm changing things!!  Behold, my cute food journal!

 

It's been really fun to write in the great meals I'm eating and recognize my "cheating" is under control.  It's also a reality check when I think I didn't cheat much and then can see I did. ;)  I also write down when I wanted to eat something but didn't really need to and decided not to so I can pat myself on the back.  BEST of all is that I can look in here to remember recipes I enjoyed!!!  I look at this as a resource for growth.  Not a chore.  At the end of the day I sit down and jot down the day's foods.  Easy as that.  

For my exercise I actually like to write it on the squares of a hanging calender.  I guess I like being able to see the boxes filling up, or maybe the empty row of squares is a clear reminder to get moving!  Anyway, I hope this is helpful!  I would love to hear about the good choices that helped you on your journey to better health last year, as well as one thing that wasn't so great.  It might help me see some more good and also realize I have the same things to work on as someone else...which is great!  Because we can work on them together. -Eva

Color Run! 2014 in Memory of Daddy

It occurred to me yesterday that I never shared my pics from the Color Run here!  And considering I jogged it with my mom and 3 kids (3 GENERATIONS of family!!) and in memory of my Father, it is definitely an achievement I want to share.  So here are the album pages that share quite a bit of how I felt and how we looked on that special day.  Love, Eva

Our Birthright...A Healthy Body

Has it really been that long since I've written here? CRAZY!  But it's true.  It's also a true that it's always a good time to get restarted again...

I had a spiritual "aha" moment today about nutrition.  As I tucked my kids into bed I told them a Bible story, like I often do.  Tonight I taught them the story of Jacob and Esau.  If you remember, Esau was older and meant to have the birthright from his father, Isaac.  But he did not value it.  And one day, after a long hunting journey, he came home tired and hungry.  Jacob had food ready and Esau wanted it.  He wanted it so much he willingly traded his birthright for it.  In the end, Jacob received and valued the birthright and Esau was angry and bitter, and lost a wonderful gift.

I explained Esau was in the position to receive an eternal blessing, one that would affect generations of his family.  Instead, he valued something else more.  In this moment, he valued food more.  He didn't see the bigger value of the birthright and what he could do with it, but instead gave in to the Natural Man.

I was having an "I'll start eating right tomorrow again" night.  I had been planning on having some yummy Costco taquitos after the kids were in bed.  But after remembering this story and really feeling it in my heart I new I didn't need to do that.  I was full enough and didn't need to splurge.  I wanted to value the gift I've been given.

I don't want to be like Esau.  I don't want to give up my birthright, a right to a healthy, happy body to use in this life. My body is a temple.  Would I give up a healthy body for some salty, savory foods?  Would I trade my right to physical and spiritual happiness for a plate of food the Natural Man would tempt me with?  I have before.  I don't want to anymore.  I'm trying not to.  I'm trying to stay balanced and not give in to eating for comfort or because of boredom.  I'm worth more than that.
It's not easy, but it is MORE than worth it.  And with the help of the Holy Ghost and trust in my Savior, I can do it.

Love,
Eva

Get more sleep!

My work-outs have not been so great lately and I want them to be!  Just a few weeks ago I was doing great, but a combination of a busy schedule and late nights has left me more tired than I would like to admit.  Today's weight-loss assignment?  Get to bed by 11 P.M.!!  I know I need it and that it will make a difference.  I especially need it because I'm running in a 5K tomorrow with my daughter, mother & friends.  I'm really excited, but hope I can MAKE myself rest so I can be ready for it.  Wish me luck & a good night's rest!

Love,
Eva

Confessions

Well, I did great on the actual holiday.  GREAT.  And pretty good the day after.  But as the days have passed and the leftover junk food lingers I haven't been so on top of eating healthy.  I mean, I've been doing pretty good but making lots of exceptions.  I'm OK with one exception maybe, but not so many.  Because I know it adds up and then I don't feel well.  And this entire process is all about feeling better.

So, no more "just a nibble."  No more, "I'll just keep eating it 'till it's gone since it's here."  I want to make progress.  I want to reach my goals.  I want to feel real independence.  And I know I can.

I know you can too.

Love,
Eva

The Fitness Part of Getting Fit...Mommy Goals!

I know for me exercising is the cherry on top that leads to me feeling strong, slim and confident.  I like the slight soreness.  I feel proud knowing I stretched my body and pushed it a little farther than I would have otherwise.  BUT FOR SOME REASON I DON'T MAKE IT A PRIORITY!!!

I don't know why.

I mean, I am a STAHM of 3, and that does keep me busy.

There's the interruption of kids while I work out, the tiredness at the end of the day if I try to wait till they are in bed to work-out, and then even more tiredness in the morning if I try to get up early.  But STILL!!!  I'm always so happy when I've completed a workout, yet that only happens every few days.  Why?  If it's moving me toward my goals of being healthier, why don't I make it a priority.

I think it's because I want instant-gratification.  I want to see that scale drop right now.  And the truth is it doesn't work that way.  Health and weight-loss progress takes an investment.  It means minutes, and hours and days of making up for wasted time.

So, I am rededicating myself.  This week, 30 mins a day is all I'm shooting for.  That's not asking too much.  I've done it before, and I can do it again....I think...I hope...AAAAHHH!!!!  I want to!!!!

It's such a hard trade off.  Some days fighting the kids to get "me-time" isn't worth it.   I explode because they need me every 30 seconds or try to ask me questions in the middle of a set of push ups, when I'm red faced and beyond out of breath.  SO this goal has to have some reality checks.

First, I will get my exercise stuff set up and then get the kids set up with some quiet time activities and snacks.  Then I will IMMEDIATELY start working out.  No Facebook or blog checking.  No phone calls or texts.  I will already have water ready and be dressed to work-out so no wandering around the house and getting distracted.  I think this precaution will maximize my time so I can get the most work-out done.

Also, I need to be realistic and expect some interruptions.  And that's OK.  I love my kids and they are the number one reason I am trying to be healthier and more fit.  So "Something is better than nothing."  Some work out is better than none, and I know if I freak out and explode out of frustration then my work-out will definitely get cut short.  So EXPECT interruptions, put what's most important first i.e. the kids, handle them gracefully, and move on.  Literally, MOVE IT and start working out again!

Of course I also exercise with the kids, and there is always an open invitation for them to join me, but there are some things I like to do on my own too.  Besides it really isn't possible for me to exercise too much with a little work out on my own and some play time with the kids at the park or on the trampoline.  If exercise is my cherry on top, then I would like LOTS of cherries on top!  Here's to lots of exercising this week!

Love,
Eva

The Four Thoughts That Brightened My Darkness

I'd like to preface the sensitive nature of this post with something my daughter said this morning...

Sophia: Mommy, do you like this dress? (pointing to a picture in a catalog)
Me: Yeah, it's pretty cute.
Sophia (said completely casually as she continued to peruse in her sophisticated-seven year-old fashion): I'll buy it for you.
Me (smiling and saying in my head): It's the thought that counts.

She has no idea how much that dress costs, how many hours of chores she would have to suffer through to earn the money- the whole nature of what it would take is beyond her.  But knowing she would like to buy it for me warmed my heart.

I have had many friends this year express sadness at severe loss and challenges.  For many it's been related to infertility or miscarriages.  I cannot say I know exactly how this feels.  I do not know the precise kind of excruciating pain many of you had endured this year.  I hope that if my words don't quite measure up to the comfort you are looking for, that you will perhaps think "It's the thought that counts."  And I hope you know that I am thinking of you.

Though I haven't lost a child, I have felt sadness down to my core.  I felt inadequate as a woman when I could no longer breastfeed because I had to take stronger anti-depressants.  I felt frustrated and angry with the Lord, "Why would he let me be so mentally sick that I couldn't breastfeed my own baby and enjoy that blessing of bonding with them?  I want to feel happier.  So why can't I?"  I have felt like I didn't want or deserve my body.  I felt like something was wrong with me because I didn't naturally love being a mother like all the women around me seemed to feel.  I have felt left out.  I had a child on either side of me but I often felt alone.  Then I felt more guilt for feeling this way.

I will say I have felt a heavy sadness and longing for more children now that I am over a lot of my depression.  I wish so badly I could see the face of what another daughter or son might look like, but I am left wanting.  My husband and I have prayed about it again and again and the answer is no.

I have broken free from much of this mourning by remembering 4 truths that I want to share with anyone who will listen.  They are my gems and rubies and perhaps this is why I haven't shared them sooner (though I should have since many of you have asked for ideas that could help.)  I felt inadequate to shoulder that burden with you.  But like Spencer J. Condie said, "Discouragement and its fellow travelers of depression, despair and hopelessness are much like the proverbial rocking chair; they keep us busily occupied, but do not take us anywhere."  I would not want anyone in that rocking chair if there was a chance I could help them out.  I am not a therapist or counselor.  I am just what has brought light into my midnights and joy within my pain.  Perhaps they can bring you hope too...  

1) You are God's child.  He loves you and is with you.  (If you are too angry or bitter to hear about this right now skip to #2)
You are never alone.  I know this.  Unlike Jesus who did suffer without the strength of His Father for a time, we do not have to endure that level of pain.  It might feel like it sometimes.  You might feel your heart hurt so badly you wonder if it will explode.  I know I have cried and wailed in shame at my own weaknesses and misfortunes.  But even in that moment of sadness He loved me and He loves you.  He loves the mess you are.  You are his child.  Just as we see the sadness of a child who might want something but can't have it right away but we still love them and the desires they have, He sees us for all the desires we have too.  And IT IS the thought that counts.

In a speech entitled "And a Little Child Shall Lead Them" President Packer told the following true stories..."Long ago a woman tearfully told me that as a college student she had made a serious mistake with her boyfriend. He had arranged for an abortion. In due time they graduated and were married and had several other children. She told me how tormented she now was to look at her family, her beautiful children, and see in her mind the place, empty now, where that one child was missing.

If this couple understands and applies the Atonement, they will know that those experiences and the pain connected with them can be erased. No pain will last forever. It is not easy, but life was never meant to be either easy or fair. Repentance and the lasting hope that forgiveness brings will always be worth the effort.

Another young couple tearfully told me they had just come from a doctor where they were told they would be unable to have children of their own. They were brokenhearted with the news. They were surprised when I told them that they were actually quite fortunate. They wondered why I would say such a thing. I told them their state was infinitely better than that of other couples who were capable of being parents but who rejected and selfishly avoided that responsibility.

I told them, “At least you want children, and that desire will weigh heavily in your favor in your earthly lives and beyond because it will provide spiritual and emotional stability. Ultimately, you will be much better off because you wanted children and could not have them, as compared to those who could but would not have children.”

Still others remain unmarried and therefore childless. Some, due to circumstances beyond their control, are raising children as single mothers or single fathers. These are temporary states. In the eternal scheme of things—not always in mortality—righteous yearning and longing will be fulfilled.

Even if you are alone in your home and feel like no one understands what you are feeling, God does. Sometimes just remembering that helps.

2) God has a plan for your Salvation.
You are divine.  You are not trash.  You are not some fast food meal.  God is making you into something exquisite, heavenly, incredible and perfect and that takes time.  It takes challenges.  "Even Joseph Smith could not have been perfected without persecution."  Your trials were chosen to develop you for Salvation.  That is not going to be easy.  But because God loves you so much He will not let you suffer for a moment longer than what is necessary for your growth. (If you are not in the mood to hear more about this go to #3.)

Elder Richard G. Scott gives one of the most tender, moving speeches on loss titled "Trust In the Lord."  I HIGHLY recommend watching it.  He says...

It is so hard when sincere prayer about something we desire very much is not answered the way we want. It is especially difficult when the Lord answers no to that which is worthy and would give us great joy and happiness...It is hard to understand why our exercise of deep and sincere faith from an obedient life does not bring the desired result.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father...

To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all. When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love. 

 

3) Life IS Eternal
If you are so hurt and bitter that you do not feel God loves you and you do not care He has a plan for you, this truth might still help.  This is where my turning point has always come.  There have been times I have not wanted to trust any longer in whatever plan God had for me because I was emotionally exhausted, crushingly disappointed, and empty of faith.  I was done.  And if it weren't for knowing this truth I probably would have taken my life.

I have always been blessed by loving family and friends, but the battle for light and happiness ultimately occurs in one's one mind.  It is up to each of us to cast out the darkness of fear by replacing it with the light of truth.  And even if sometimes it's hard to believe in my individual worth as a child of God, or in the winding path He has for me, I do believe there is life after this one.

Life is eternal.  The end of a heartbeat here is the start of that life elsewhere.  Life cannot be stilled or silenced permanently.  For the depressed person this reality is at first cruel.  Ending the pain won't really end it?!!  I will still feel this sadness and have to deal with it even if I prematurely go to the next world?!  However, small children do not choose to do this.  A miscarriage is either the Lord's careful choice or simply the effect of having a mortal body.  There are many challenges that come because of mortality, even the mental illness people suffer, but that will not be the case in the next life.

Regarding infertility specifically, the prophet Brigham Young said...

Many of the sisters grieve because they are not blessed with offspring.  You will see the time when you will have millions of children around you.  If you are faithful to your covenants, you will be mothers of nations...And when you have assisted in peopling one earth, there are millions of earths still in the course of creation.  And when they have endured a thousand million times longer than this earth, it is only as it were the beginning of your creations.  Be faithful, and if you are not blest with children in this time, you will be hereafter. 

 

If you know life is eternal, suddenly some of the biggest challenges don't seem quite as daunting because they are temporary.  This life is just a tiny knot on the ever unwinding string of time as the kite it is tethered to flies higher and higher into the heavens.  This moment, though painful and real, is so small in comparison to the vastness of the eternities.

Personally, believing life is eternal has let me remember that my children will get to know my Dad and how he really is, funny, hands-on, always learning and joking.  Knowing this has meant that even though I don't have the time now to compose symphonies or dance and share my testimony through movement, I will get to perform more in the next life (I can't imagine what kind of stage and lighting effects they will have there!)  Keeping an eternal perspective means I will be the mother of more children someday, and I will see their faces and know all about them and we will grow as a family in the eternities together (and this helps me enjoy my days here a little bit more.)  Knowing that life is eternal gives me hope to endure with faith until that day when I am no longer bound by this body's limitations.

And if that isn't humbling enough, remembering God loves you and is always with you, that He has a plan for your salvation, and that your existence and life is eternal, remember this...

4) "The Son of Man hath descended below them all.  Art thou greater than he?"

This quote comes from verse 8 of section 122 of the Doctrine and Covenants.  For those of you who do not know, the Doctrine and Covenants is a book of revelations from God given during the 1800s to the first few latter-day prophets.  As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday-Saints, we believe God still speaks through prophets to all of His children, including these tender words...

 5 If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;
 6 If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;

 7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
 8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
 9 Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever. 

I will never be asked to suffer as much as the Savior did.  That kind of pain is untouchable.  And if he, the Son of God, told the Father, "Thy will be done," how can I question God?  How can I begin to think I know better?

In Elder Holland's inspiring talk "Lessons From Liberty Jail" he uplifts us by saying...

Everyone, including, and perhaps especially, the righteous, will be called upon to face trying times. When that happens we can sometimes fear that God has abandoned us, and we might be left, at least for a time, to wonder when our troubles will ever end. As individuals, as families, as communities, and as nations, probably everyone has had or will have an occasion to feel as Joseph Smith felt when he cried from the depth and discouragement of his confinement: “O God, where art thou? … How long shall thy hand be stayed … ? Yea, O Lord, how long shall [thy people] suffer … before … thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?” (D&C 121:1–3).
Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us. 

Fear and faith cannot coexist.  Light and darkness cannot share the same space.  One must out power the other.  We, our own thoughts, must out power the other.  It is allowing the Spiritual man to overcome the Natural man.  It is not always easy.  There are days I start asking "Why?" but then I remember what He said..."...know thou,my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"

All 4 truths are recapped in those sentences.  1) God calls us His son (or daughter.)  2) He tells us these challenges are part of His plan for us, to give us experience and lead to our salvation.  3) Because life is eternal, all these things can be for our good and lead to our exaltation. 4)  Art thou greater than he?  

I still remember singing Robert Gardner's "My Kindess Shall Not Depart From Thee" with a choir when I was 18, whose lyrics are taken largely from the previous scriptures.  (I will include the lyrics at the end of my post for you to read, but the video is below.)  These words are overwhelmingly powerful anyway, but to music...there are no words to describe the feelings I get hearing this song.  On my hardest days all I have to do is remember one or two lines and its empowering melody and I am strengthened.  I hope it strengthens you and reminds you that the Lord is with you, that not even a sparrow can fall to the ground without Him knowing.  And He knows you deeper than you know your best friend, because He created you, raised you in pre-mortal life, and knows all of your thoughts, pains and desires now...please let His words comfort you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zq-KhxsUxNo

I wrote this post because I owe it to myself to write and remember what I've learned during the challenging recent years I've faced.  I hope it's a record for my posterity.  And I hope remembering these 4 thoughts helps them have more light and faith in their life.  If anyone else finds hope in these truths it will have made the pain I've endured all the more worth it.

I would like to end with a quote from an October 1959 Conference report...

One of the most urgent present-day needs is to house clean our thinking.  Because two opposites cannot co-exist in the mind at the same moment, the best way is to get rid of the undesirable thoughts is by antedoting them with good.  The best way to get darkness out of a room is to fill it with light.  The best way to kill the negative is to cultivate the positive, and the best way to improve our lives it to improve our thoughts.

Clearly, it really is the thought that counts.

'Till Tomorrow!  Luv, Eva

My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee

Text and Music by Rob Gardner

For a little while 
Have I forsaken thee; 
But with great mercies will I gather thee. 
In a little wrath I hid my face from thee 
For a moment. 

But with everlasting kindness will I gather thee, 
And with mercy will I take thee 'neath my wings, 
For the mountains shall depart, 
And the hills shall be removed, 
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea, 
But know, my child, 
My kindness shall not depart from thee! 

Though thine afflictions seem 
At times too great to bear, 
I know thine every thought and every care. 
And though the very jaws 
Of hell gape after thee I am with thee. 

And with everlasting mercy will I succor thee, 
And with healing will I take thee 'neath my wings. 
Though the mountains shall depart, 
And the hills shall be removed, 
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea, 
Know, my child, 
My kindness shall not depart from thee! 

How long can rolling waters 
Remain impure? 
What pow'r shall stay the hand of God? 
The Son of Man hath descended below all things. 
Art thou greater than He? 

So hold on thy way, 
For I shall be with thee. 
And mine angels shall encircle thee. 
Doubt not what thou knowest, 
Fear not man, for he 
Cannot hurt thee. 

And with everlasting kindness will I succor thee, 
And with mercy will I take thee 'neath my wings. 
For the mountains shall depart, 
And the hills shall be removed, 
And the valleys shall be lost beneath the sea, 
But know, my child, 
My kindness shall not depart from thee!

Slides, Belly-flops & Picking Myself Up Again

I've been editing and posting pictures like crazy of our family activities this past spring, and most recently my kids' school carnival.  (If you'd like to see some please become my "friend" and check 'em out. :))  Since all of our family is at least a state away, Facebook and other photo sharing keeps us connected.

Anyway, I came across some pictures I'd been meaning to write about from some moments with my family that especially inspired me...

 Just kidding about that one!  Although I do have an inspirational Mario Kart moment, but another time...

I meant this one...

 ...and this one.

Little Sam is almost 2, and like most kids his age he does not know how to give up.  Whether it's climbing a mini rock wall, vying for a toy, asking for a treat...he will try and try and try until he gets what he wants accomplished.  Sammy literally slid down this wall (on his adorable, cute, belly) several times before finally making it to the top.  And then he was off to his next challenge!  

There was no "Ok, where's my prize?" or "Now I need my break."  He just KEPT GOING!

Now I'm not saying I never want a break, because I like breaks.  And I'm not saying I don't want a prize because I love prizes!  (Especially chocolate prizes!)  But I am saying that I wan to be more like Sam in my climbing-sliding-climbing endurance skills.  

I want to do a better job of picking myself up again and reaching for the top no matter how many times I belly-flop and slide down.  

Because maybe life isn't about just getting to the top anyway.  Maybe it's more like the slides my kids love, meant to have a high, beautiful view,

 then some descents,

  and then an opportunity to rise again.

 

If that's the case, which every day I believe more and more that it is, I want to enjoy the ride (and slides) a lot more.  Kids have to grow and adapt so much and still find fun along the way, yet I know I make myself out to be the victim when things are hard.  

Does Sammy have a pity-party when he has to try more than once to climb his little mountain?  Nope.  Do Sophia and Michael complain about having to climb the stairs to get to ride down the slide?  Never.  

I love my kids.  As hard as it is to raise them sometimes, they are worth every moment, every minute, every slip, fall, belly-flop, slip and slide I find myself taking along the way.  There are a lot of  other things I could have done with my life, but taking the chance to grow with them is the greatest mountain I've been privileged to climb.  Best of all, they remind me to laugh, keep trying and be silly even in my worst belly-flop moments.  Thanks kiddies.  And thank you Sammy.   

Love, Eva

Ugly Ducklings, Swans & "Real Beauty"

I am lucky enough to get to volunteer with the young women in my church and we were recently talking about "Who We Are & Who We Can Become."  Being teenagers and living in today's world, of course we had to talk about "beauty."  It's so sad to me that in this world our physical appearance has become such an important standard for comparison that people literally spend MILLIONS of dollars a year trying to change the way God made them.  And "looks" aren't even REAL BEAUTY...

Real beauty is moral character.
Real beauty is charity.
Real beauty shows through the light in your eyes because you are truly happy, because you know you are trying your best, and that IS good enough.(I didn't always believe that.)
Real beauty is compassion in all circumstances.
Real beauty is honesty and humility in any situation.
Real beauty cannot be bought, tucked, or implanted.
Real beauty is someone who walks with their head held high because they know who they are, who they can become, and they conciously work on becoming that person. 
Real beauty is trying again even when you mess up.
Real beauty is courage.
Real beaty is love, even for YOURSELF, the way you are RIGHT NOW.

I mentioned the Dove Evolution Commercial to comment on how every image we see in magazines has been edited- every one!  I know this because I edit every picture in my albums, at least for color.  In fact, Julia Roberts will not let a magazine publish a picture of her unless it has been edited enough which is why a European country wouldn't publish a spread of advertisements with her in them- they actually have laws against publishing pictures that have been edited too much in other countries!!! But, I digress.

I thought everyone had seen this ad, but I guess when it came out these girls had just learned to ride their bikes, so I had to explain it and email it to them.  Here it is for your viewing...

Crazy.  Too contrast how you might feel after watching this, check out these other two videos.  The first is a beautiful song about the value of women- we have "SO MUCH TO OFFER."  I'm so glad some sweet person made a slideshow to go with it too. 
                                     
Finally, (I love this video clip) in "Our True Identity" there's a short re-telling of The Ugly Duckling.  Just as the ugly duckling learns he is really a swan, WE ARE ALL SWANS. :)  I kmow that because our Heavenly Father made us and He doesn't make ugly ducklings.

Don't ever forget who you are, how important you are, how valuable you are.  You matter.  Luv, Eva